Hey everyone, I hope you are all doing well and happy 2021. Lately, I’ve been going through a lot of life changes and frankly, it has been hard on me. I’ve been in a depressive slump and it has been hard to feel the motivation to write. Life going into 2021 seemed to be on the up-and-up, but with circumstances from a multitude of events within the past month, I’ve felt lost.
I understand that life has it’s ups and downs, and at this current moment I’m working on getting through it. I’ve been distracting myself with films, TV shows, basketball, and unfortunately, work. The former three have been a lifeline, but I feel as if I have not found much joy from this occupation of my time. It is nice and all, but they are distractions for how I am feeling.
Work has been a huge reason that 2020 and this past month have been a pain in my ass. The loss of my full-time job due to covid and funding has left me feeling bitter. I’ve taken on three jobs to replace the one, and somehow they all feel like chores. Not to mention that my one job is highly irregular with it’s inconsistency to get hours, which in turn screws up my benefits and insurance. To be honest, I’m at a crossroads and I don’t know what and where I want to go next.
The political situation here in the United States is rather laughable, and to be honest I am a little scared of my apathy. I’ve always been ‘middle of the road’ with my stance on many issues of the political divide, and lately I have been leaning more towards the left. Not to say that I have a party cause I don’t, but I will always choose the candidate that has the best character and interest in caring for people (and I mean around the entire world, not just the United States). I suppose my apathy is coming at a crossroads with recent events giving a good push into territory to which I NEED to care more, it’s just hard with my current state of well-being. But I will do my best, I promise.
Another factor is my loss of relationships in all facets of life. Many of my friends that I have consistently talked to or have been around have been slowly fading, and I know that I too, am to blame for that slip. Now I know what you are thinking, and yes I am aware that friends come and go. But more and more, I have been wanting to retreat and block out communication just to recharge. As I am a person who feels immense pain of letting someone down, it is something that I really struggle with and makes me feel very uneasy. Some of my friends say it’s a blessing to care so much. I don’t know, I guess it is a balancing act?
I will end with something positive, as that’s how I want to be moving forward. School starts this week and if anything, I can’t let my depression be broadcasted onto my students. I want to guide them and allow them to build confidence in themselves, that’s my big goal for teaching public speaking. Seeing that change will surely help.
Hopefully, dear reader, this doesn’t come across as something I am doing for attention. I just want you to know what these past few weeks have been in my world, and I suppose I am just finally writing about it to get it out of my system. I care very much about each of you who reads this and even those who don’t, and I will continue to always care. It’s in my blood, and who I am.
Thanks for reading, I’m not Jonesing around.