Glazing over the words, getting lost within a world. Stories unbound from the tether of the pages and seep into my pores. Peering out of of my daze are the worries of responsibility and a want for moving past the constant desire for more. The leaves are piling up…it’s the little things.
Let’s take a trip back to the heat of the summer. The trees radiant green and the ground is lush in it’s dry form. The grass is reaching towards the sun and trying to become taller, bolder, and wanting more. I’m wanting more.
It’s near the end of my second month of returning to work and a normalcy is returning to my structure. I had been out of work for nearly three months and needed some stability in my life. Work added that back, however I still had not seemed to be satisfied with how I was feeling. An overwhelming feeling of loss still plagued my conscious. Entered therapy.
Now I’ve NEVER considered therapy or counseling in my life, as I honestly felt that I dealt with stress and anxiety in a fairly productive way. I always had my escapism in film, books, and music. Those mediums certainly help, but not always the case and especially this particular year. The year of my loss of a full-time position of advising and teaching and the trajectory that I had established back in 2013. I needed more of a purpose and so I started going to therapy near the end of August, just to dip my toes (I was still not convinced).
The first therapy session felt strange. I had just rambled about my current state of meandering and had a variety of topics to unpack with my sudden interest in basketball, my increased presence on YouTube, and my dread of starting back in the school year part-time. My counselor listened and stated that we’d go further in the next session, two weeks from that initial date.
Between that time, something big happened. I was in the early stages of a relationship from someone that I had just really started getting to know, and it was long distance…added stress (but good stress). I entered the second therapy session with the new news and began to unpack my anxieties of starting something with someone in the current state of the world. Luckily, it was the start of quelling those insecurities.
From the third session and onward, I would add new elements of current and past puzzles that would present themselves. We talked about my father and our strange relationship with hoarding/collecting, we talked about my desire to do more for community (the girlfriend also helped in that regard), we talked about learning to take a step back away from situations and scenarios that gave me pause through techniques and strategies of priority shifting. It really started to make sense and it was in the small details.
Since I’ve began counseling, my output of clearing away the stresses of each day have begun to dissipate. Sure each day has it’s challenge, big or small. Hell, I’ve even had one session that I went in with a giant anvil that landed on my toes swelling from pain. But those challenges have been allowed for more growth. My confidence and desire to want to do more for those in my life and for myself has grown, as the Grinch would say, three times BIGGER.
It’s the last day of November and a few hours away until my next session. I don’t know how it will go, but I know that with all those little leaves piling up around me I can see the colours changing all around me, each one has a story to tell.
Have any of you done counseling or therapy? If so, has it helped you?
Thanks for reading, I’m not Jonesing around 😉